"How foolish to think that one can ever slam the door in the face of age. Much wiser to be polite and ask him to lunch in advance." ... Noel Coward

Everyone grows older …. It happens every second, every minute every day. One of the odd things about ageing is the way our attitude changes at various stages of our lives. Children want to be teens, young teens want to be older teens, and older teens long to be ‘adults’. Twenty-somethings consider themselves indestructable and at the prime of their lives, hate it when they ‘hit’ 30... creating a depressing view that 'the end is nigh', and my god, the thought of ‘hitting’ 40 can actually depress some people. Thoughts of 50 and then (god forbid) 60 are too often dreaded by people younger. This translates so often into a negative view of older people, portraying them as having little to offer to themselves or society.

 The problem is not with people growing older, it is with our western societal view of this. In our society the problem seems to surface when we reach 50’s and approach 60+. For some oddball reason this age is often seen as the ‘beginning of the end’. Maybe this dates back to the beginning of the 20^th century when the average life expectancy was 47 years (except if you were one of the landed gentry or industrial rich and had a great diet and low work demands) .

Life expectancy has increased dramatically since then, but societal and cultural attitudes have not. In some senses they have worsened. The media – which influences modern society like never before – is obsessed with the cult of youth and beauty. Young people in entertainment, sport, and the made up world of ‘the celebrity’ are revered and lauded, being elevated to iconic status. In a way similar to the destructive nature of the way the beauty and fashion industry have distorted the definition of beauty, the notion of older people having acquired a wisdom through experience is poo-pooed. Ageism is rife in the employment world,  

 When we were young children we probably thought that our grandparents were really, really old, and yet for many of us they probably were only in their 50’s or 60’s. I have reached 60 and feel 40 – how come? Did they not feel that way? Did we imagine them as being ‘old’ or is it really different now? Are we different in our middle age and elderhood  to the way they were? Do we behave differently – should we behave differently?

In my world I define middle age as 50-70, and elderhood as 80+.

 As we reach ‘middle age’ are we supposed to behave differently? Are we somehow supposed to slow steadily to a halt, getting ready for retirement, accepting that our race is nearly run, and we are entering the home stretch. Passing through the tape (retirement) means we can rest after the hard slog. Is that how we are supposed to behave?

 I suspect that the majority of younger people in western societies feel that way. Why else would ageism be so rife in the workplace – ironic in societies such as Australia where there is such a skills shortage!  There is a prevalent attitude that “older” people have little to contribute - goodness me, some don’t even know who Fifty Cents is! … ‘You’ve had your turn, move over’ seems to be the battle cry of the young  - and unfortunately many of the not so young, including the ‘pre middle agers’.

Compare this with many other societies, in the East for example where older people are revered, respected, and treated as family members with much to offer. They have lived, experienced, succeeded, failed. They know, and can pass on that knowledge to grandchildren and the general society.

 So what do we do in our materialistic world of western ‘civilisation’ when we join the ranks of the ‘old folk’? How can we cope and keep our dignity, our self respect and most of all our zest for life??

 Step one in my eyes is to say “great, I made it!” Many people don’t make it to middle age, even more don’t make it to elderhood. My mother died at 51, a friend of twenty years died at 40, another friend died recently at 37, another at 52. Hey, I have reached the age when I can collect my superannuation, that’s something to celebrate. When we were young did we think about old age? Yes we planned financially for our later years ( or should have done) … but did we plan for it emotionally? Did we even think about it?

“You know what surprises me most as I cycle through the stages of ageing? How did I, a bona fide child of the sixties, end up sounding like my parents?” J. Eva Nagel.

 Recognise it – rejoice in it, and deal with it.  How we are to spend the next 30+ years of our lives (maybe even more). Temptation is to become that retiree. Temptation is to accept that we are ‘not what we used to be’ and to slow down for the final gracious exit. Temptation is to become old...................My view? …. Screw that!

“I want to make a terribly important point. People decide to get old. I’ve seen them do it. It’s as if they’ve said “Right, that’s it, now I’m going to get old” . Then they become old. Why do they do this? I don’t know.”    Doris Lessing

 Doris Lessing is still writing successful books in her nineties. Her life is a chronology of fascinating experiences, and literary success, and she maintains her zest and her unique character to this day. She has a life to celebrate and she does it, every day. We all have something to celebrate in our lives – whether we see things as small or large, important or unimportant, exciting or dull, is up to us. In some senses there is a hint of the simplistic about this quote – and yet she has a point. Essentially what she is talking about is the attitude which prevails in response to the reality of getting older. Does getting older mean changing our inclinations? Do we have to stop being a 'party animal' (if that's what we are) because it ‘doesn’t become an older person’? Do we have to ‘take it easy’ because that’s what is expected of us?  Do we have to dress old because we are old?

Inevitably life changes and one of the biggest negative influences on us is our fear. Fear of losing control, fear of a diminished independence, fear of being alone, fear of vulnerability, and fear of death. Fears are best confronted – and if we have less and less time left then what better reason do we have to do more and more and enjoy more and more. We can stop caring what others think of us and do what we want- and what we have always wanted.

 Inevitably the confronting of our own mortality is scary. Even as we move towards elderhood – maybe from our 50’s or 60’s, we begin to question aspects of our lives. Did we choose the right partner(s)?, the right career path? have I led a fulfilled life? have I written all the chapters of the story – the one about the lifetime which has been given to me here on Earth? All the wondering and the questioning is normal. What we must really fight against is allowing the 'if only' syndrome to take over. You know - those thoughts that things would have turned out better 'if only I had done this instead of that, that instead of this'. Well, that's pointless because the past is what has been and it has to stay that way. The future is what might be. We can create our own to a large extent, and should aim to that end, but the present is where we are. Live in the present, plan for the future. The only way to deal with the inevitable is to know it is coming, ignore it and get on with living.

 “It is not death man should fear, more he should fear never having lived”.   Marcus Aurelius

      … so plan to ‘live’ the next thirty+ years in the way you want it to be lived.

Look inwardly at yourself – examine the facets of your being and be selfish. Think what you want from your life now and for the next few years. Be mindful of your creativity, your spirituality, your health and well being, Think about keeping an active mind, and maintaining emotional health. Most of all, pay attention to self image. It’s what you think of yourself that matters, even more so in later years. Being older means that you have more freedom to be what you want, say what you want, do what you want. There is no boss to disapprove, no 'them' to make you feel bad if you don't conform. There is only you, and you answer only to yourself.

Build challenge into your life. It is dangerous to wish to remove all difficulties and complexities from our lives. Living a ‘simple’ life can be appealing, but it can also lead to boredom and depression. Attitude and challenge is the key…… doing what we enjoy, and if that is difficult, enjoying what we do. If life is too challenging, then find pleasure in the possible, if life is boring then find challenge through the difficult.

 “Conquering any difficulty always gives one a secret joy, for it means pushing back a boundary line and adding to one’s liberty”  Henri Frederic Amiel

  We should choose to make our later years the best they can be, choose to do what we want and hang the expectations, choose to make the most of our new found freedom.  "Be all you can be" is a recruiting motto for the US military. It could be the rallying cry for us all.

………. And finally – memories. Memories are to be cherished. They are, in reality, the only thing left for us on our deathbed. If they are full, exciting, warming, and satisfying – then is that not all we can ask? The thing about memories is that they are ours – only ours. They are our secrets, they are our window to the re-living of past pleasures, triumphs, achievements, and experiences in our lives. No-one can share them unless we want,  no-one can damage them, and no-one can take them away. Whatever we may lose as our lives draw to a close we will still have our memories, these memories will define our individuality, and hopefully will carry us through the final throws of the dice with dignity and peace in our hearts. We make our own memories, we make our own lives. Our lives truly are the “Sum of all our choices.”