Midlife crisis – real or imagined?            

Much is made of the so-called ‘midlife crisis’. It is often viewed as a predominately male thing which can be (jokingly) solved by the purchase of a red soft topped sports car or a long coveted Harley. Sadly, and all too often,  it is  ‘solved’ by the break up of a relationship and the acquisition (by the male) of a new ‘trophy’ girlfriend, a younger model to enable him to grab a piece of youth (literally).

There are a few things which need to be clarified about this midlife crisis. First of all it is not just a male thing. All adults go through a midlife transition phase which can be painful, confusing and sometimes have devastating effects. For women there is the double whammy of menopause. There are few marriages or relationships that are not under great strain during midlife transition.

Secondly it is not imagined. There is a huge body of writings and research to support the notion that throughout our lives we pass through phases of development. The common ones we all know – childhood, puberty, adolescence, early adulthood, retirement, old age. Little attention has been paid until recently to the middle phases of life. Nevertheless they are as real, as complex and as important as all the others. Too little understanding leads to dismissal, ignorance and a belittling of problems. The midlife transition is not imagined, it is real, and it can be dealt with if faced and talked about openly.

Many people dismiss the reality of the midlife experience by convincing themselves that the lives of ‘these people’ are not like their own. ‘He has an anxiety problem, she has a Prozac problem, he is a philanderer, she is depressed etc etc.’  We need to realize, however, that no-one will escape this transition period in their lives. Some will see it through easily and successfully, emerging a better person for the experience. Others will flounder under a sea of confusion and despair made worse by an inability to talk about it for fear of ridicule or further ‘rocking the boat’.

It is worth at least attempting to clarify 'midlife' here. Traditionally this midlife crisis thing was a post 40's peculiarity - midlife being just past the halfway point of life expectancy. But this has all changed .......... life expectancy is much longer now, and the way life can be lived has changed. No longer the 'growing old gracefully' mantra, more the ageing hippie mantra! The generations that grew up with the Beatles, The Stones, Bob Dylan , Depeche Mode, David Bowie etc. are wanting more and more as they age - more from life, more from themselves. There is a youthful approach to life which can be liberating, but which can scary, as society fails to catch up; we can be left 'stranded'. For my purposes, the purposes of this writing and my belief, I define midlife as 45 to 65, and even there there really is a blurring around the edges.

 There is no denying, however, that for many the lingering soulful notes of Peggy Lee start to haunt the psyche – “Is that all there is"? Sometimes we start to dwell on our losses – the loss of youth, the loss of looks, the lessening of physical abilities, the loss of dreams, and the haunting sense of the loss of who we were meant to be.  We perhaps begin to feel that if we really are ever going to become who we were meant to be - who we really are in the deepest recesses of our being - then we had better start now. So what causes all this? Is it a disease? Can we be inoculated against it ? (we wish). Why does it happen?

Essentially the 'midlife crisis' is caused when three elements of thoughts and feelings coincide , collaborate almost, to create a situation of confusion, despair, desperation, anger. These three elements are: a dissatisfaction with the present, a fear of the future, and a romanticising of the past.

Lets take the first - an unhappiness with the present. This dissatisfaction can be extremely confusing, not easy to rationalise. Questions are asked - 'things have been good for so long - so why am I unhappy now? What is wrong? Is it me? or is it those around me? These doubts and questions are often internalised, creating self doubt. Unable to find answers we can easily start to look for 'blame' elsewhere, start to rubbish our current lives, start to yearn for change. These feelings of discontent can manifest themselves in many ways;

• Discontent with life or lifestyle
• Boredom with things that previously were exciting and important
• Feelings of a need to seek ‘adventure’
• A questioning of where one is in life – ‘Is that all there is?’
• A feeling of disappointment with what has been achieved in life.
• Feelings of being ‘trapped’ in a situation which is preventing us from becoming our true selves.
• A realisation that many of the dreams of youth may never be realised.
• Anger at the restrictions of the current situation – looking to blame someone, something for this ‘entrapment’ (the kids, the mortgage, the job, the partner).
• A yearning for ‘freedom’ and another chance.
• Acute dismay at the loss of youth – and a yearning to regain former glories.
•  Depression.

The bottom line is that these feelings of unhappiness and discontent are scary. They can eat away at the soul, they can destroy the mind, and they can destroy families.

Couple this with the second element - fear of what could happen in the future - and the fuse is lit. We fear growing older, we fear becoming de-skilled, we fear ill health, we fear loss of  physical attraction, we fear financial insecurity. Most of all we fear becoming irrelevant.

Add the third element - a romantising of the past - and we have the ingredients for the human equivalent of the black hole. Wasn't the past always better? We were strong, we were fit, we were alive, and boy did we have the drive to change the world - or at least mold it to ourselves. We had romance, we had ambition, we had hopes and dreams. We listened to great music, fashions were gorgeous, and we were living in a world of optimism and excitement. We were THE generation. So what's gone wrong? We can be duped into thinking we can recapture the essence of our youth which was so good, so energising, so optimistic. It is all too easy to feel entrapment, to interpret our midlife tensions as peculiar to us,  to seek a ‘way out’, to look for someone else to blame. All we need to do is to change the present, recapture the past and then we have no need to fear  the future. We can enjoy life again, we can be alive again, we can be in control again. ....... oh, if only it were that easy!

The frightening and painful symptoms of life change are nonetheless necessary for the growth of the individual. They are developmental, part of the structure of the Self. They cannot be sidestepped any more than can the separation anxieties of two year olds, or the identity seeking of adolescents.  For most of us in midlife, the mere pace of our daily responsibilities overtakes our personal needs. The stresses of work, the routines and time demands necessary in a family setting, the ease by which we subjugate our own needs for the benefit of those we share our lives with, all can create stresses which can debilitate us. 

And yet we are here to grow and to become the person we have always been destined to be. We cannot dismiss or deny the origin of the symptoms of this midlife crisis. The deepest, truest part of our soul is shouting to be heard. This is what creates the symptoms so difficult to understand and to cope with; dissatisfaction, despair, emptiness.

 We need to recognise that our frustrations and fears at this time in our lives are not simply because we have been ‘badly done to’, they are not caused by someone else, nor are they a manifestation of our own personal failures. They are feelings consistent with a transitional phase in our lives.

 The Chinese character for crisis is made up of two separate characters. One of these represents ‘danger’ and the other represents ‘opportunity’. Thus the correct translation in Chinese for the word crisis is ‘dangerous opportunity’. The midlife transition provides us with a chance for change and growth, but may well cause us disruption or devastation. It is worth noting that this phenomenon is not a 21^st Century one. In fact the writings of Carl Jung in the early 1900’s are extensive on the subject. It is, however, fairly recently that the midlife transition has been widely recognised and written about as real, something which is not merely a little hiccup but is in fact an important stage in our development as rounded and complete individuals. It is necessary on our successful journey to the later stages of our lives. If we are to enjoy our ‘elder stage’ we should do our best to ensure we get there whole and happy – not ignoring our ‘midlife crisis’ is step one.

 We can choose to struggle on our own, hoping to make the right decisions, hoping that it will all be right in the end, despite fearing that we are alone,  just being irrational. On the other hand we can seek assistance - from our partners, from our friends or from a coach/counsellor. Talking with someone, having someone listen and focusing on us will be an enormous help. With help we can devise strategies for dealing with the issues thrown up by the transition, strategies which can guide  through the minefield with little damage. This is not an easy passage, but it is an inevitable one, and getting through it successfully will see the emergence of a better, healthier person. Choose to deal positively with your midlife crisis.